"Telemarketers - What to Do's"
Source: E.D. Foods - Soup'er Free Sample  (Great Soup, Chili, Candy+++)

10/28/03 - Barb, guest editor for E.D. Foods Newsletter, came up with these.  I hope that you enjoy them as much as I did.  We all have to put up with these telemarketers for now, but here are a few suggestions that you might consider:

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
   bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the Company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you
   wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?". Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
9. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
10. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
11. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with
    your dinner conversation.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.